What's Wrong With This Underwear?

By Mahlia Lindquist

My 21 year old daughter, Dylan, threw away my underwear last week. 

And not just old tattered undies from the 1990s, we are talking perfectly respectable briefs purchased this century. Some even within the past month. 

It started last week at the mall where a happy mother-daughter afternoon of lunch and shopping turned into an awkward intervention in the middle of ladies’ lingerie.

Dylan:  Um Mom, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about. I’ve been thinking. … Gosh this is really hard … Okay, I’ll just say it … Mom, er, you’d feel so much better about yourself if you wore pretty underwear 

Me: Awww, thank-you honey, but I actually feel okay about myself. 

Dylan: Sorry Mom, but only a person filled with self loathing wears Hanes ladies' cotton hip hugger briefs. They're hideous.

Being more of a shoe person when it comes to fashion, I admittedly don’t give much thought to underwear. So I considered my panty wardrobe. Not exactly cutting edge but not grannyish either. Functional and comfortable. Certainly not hideous.

Me: Young lady, that is an unkind thing to say to your mother. My underwear is NOT hideous. Besides, who cares? That’s why it’s call underwear, no one sees it. 

Dylan: Mom, remember, build it and they will come. 

Me:  Don’t you think that’s a weird and inappropriate thing to say to the person who gave you life? 

My appeals to Dylan’s filial sensibilities were of no consequence. In fact, she seemed to think it  her daughterly duty to convey the gravity of the situation, no matter how painful the telling might be. Again, I quote: “Mom, you are stylish enough on the outside, but your underwear situation is akin to a person who is superficially beautiful but harbors a black soul.

Yes, my daughter compared my underwear to a black soul. What seemed to me to be nondescript and inoffensive undergarments, to Dylan shocked the very conscience. 

So I relented as she led me to Victoria's Secret, a retailer she is well aware I abhor. A retailer I have taught her is part of an evil empire designed to perpetuate distorted, no make that f@#*ed up, notions of sex and the ideal woman. A retailer single handedly responsible for the felling of zillions of trees to publish it ubiquitous and misogynistic catalogues.

Yet, here I was, with my daughter in a Victoria's Secret, my equivalent of Dante's Lowest Circle of Hell.

There in hell, I got to thinking how I had utterly failed in passing on wholesome values to my progeny. How I was one of those dangerous and ineffective single moms that commentators warn are the bane of society. How I was a bad parent whose failures doomed  her daughters to lives of eating disorders.

I paused the self-flagellation long enough to wonder if Dylan wasn't right. Now that she mentioned it,  maybe I wasn't feeling so great about myself.  Perhaps new underwear would improve my self esteem!

Victoria's Secret was an experience, if nothing else. I was amazed by the dizzying array of bras, like the "Bombshell Add-2-Cups Multi-way Push-up" and the "So Obsessed Push-up." The selection of panties was just as exotic and overwhelming, and included variations of the "Cheeky," "Cheekini," "Cheekster" and "Itsy.

I was like one of the Beverly Hillbillies on her first day in civilization -- "look pa, their outhouse is inside the house!" 

At the same time, Dylan navigated the store with familiarity and ease, expertly sifting through and selecting panties she promised would change my life. Plainly, this was not my daughter's first Victoria’s Secret rodeo. I had the dazed, confused and anguished feeling of an Amish parent who has just discovered her child’s cell phone and stash of weed. 

As I came to my senses and examined  Dylan's choices, I momentarily rebelled:

Me: Seriously? One of these pairs has lace on the crotch. Everyone knows that lace is itchy and bad for the vagina. Plus these are thongs, which everyone also knows are unhygienic and only to be worn with clothing that is too tight across the ass in the first place.  

Dylan: Seriously? That’s ridiculous. I wear them every day [talk about an arrow to my heart] Trust me, you are going to feel soooooo much better. 

Me: But do we have to buy them at Victoria’s Secret, a company you are well aware objectifies women, plus is responsible for destroying huge swaths of forest so that its semi-pornographic catalogues featuring images of malnourished and photoshopped women can be delivered to billions of households around the globe?  Those catalogues send bad, bad messages to women that they are not good enough and create unrealistic expectations among young men.

Dylan: Exaggerate much? Plus, when it comes to  feeling beautiful, we sometimes have to compromise our principles. Your principled purchases are ugly. 

She had me there. Though loath to admit it,  if forced to choose between principles and pretty, I usually opt for pretty. 

And so I did. I bought buy five pairs of pretty panties, lovingly selected by my daughter to enhance my sense of well being.

Later that week, Dylan asked if I didn't feel better wearing my new pretty underwear. I guiltily thought of the Hanes hidden beneath my skirt, but thought it best to just agree, "yes, totally, I feel like a new person."

The next day  Dylan stalked into my room with all 5 pairs of the new, obviously unworn, panties in hand.   "You've been wearing your old underwear!"  I made a mental note to self to remove the price tags next time and guiltily mumbled something about saving them for a special occasion. Dylan, a determined look to her brow, in turn mumbled something about this not being over.

The following morning I opened our trash can, and found what appeared to be all of my underwear covered by used coffee grounds and other refuse. I ran upstairs to check my drawers, and just as I feared, all that was left was the 5 pair of new panties.

My daughter reminded me of a vigilante who pours alcohol down the drain in hopes of stopping a loved one from drinking.

And it worked for the first four days. Having no other choice, I wore the new underwear. While not life altering, they were just as comfy as the Hanes. If me wearing pretty underwear made my daughter  happy, then I was happy.

But then, on the 5th day, only the pair I had been avoiding all week was left, the lace thong. Resigned, I put them on. Definitely not comfy. Plus, I was wearing a dress and felt completely exposed. The undergarment-naming geniuses at Victoria's Secret should have named these the "Feel Naked" line of panties.

Oh well, Dylan claims to wear them every day, maybe I would get used to it.... Except I didn't.

I came home that night and informed her that her "pretty" underwear definitely did not make me feel better. In fact, they were uncomfortable and I was feeling positively worse. And now, thanks to her vigilantism,  I didn't have any normal underwear to put on. 

She actually started to look a bit sheepish. But then, as I changed, her guilty look turned into mirth followed by uproarious laughter.

It turns out I had the underwear on backwards. It also turns out that in the case of thong underwear, the tag sometimes goes in the front, something even the Beverly Hillbillies could have figured out just by looking at them. 

Dylan took pity on her mom and pulled out a few pairs of my preferred panties that she had wisely kept in case of emergency. 

She asked if I recalled the time she was 14 and I took her to Nordstrom's to get fitted for a bra, despite her mortified tears of protest. 

How could I forget? It was a scene that she often claims scarred her for life.

"Here," she said as she handed me my Hanes, "I think we're even now."

Governor Rick Scott, A Real Tear Jerker

Florida Governor Rick Scott is one of my favorite topics. Like one of my favorite comedians, George Carlin, Governor Scott has a unique ability to make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Governor Scott's comic genius is rooted in the fact that it is so effortless. He doesn't try to be funny, he just is. Similarly, he doesn't try to elicit tears, he just does. 

Fellow blogger, "Life in the Boomer Lane," also has visions of Rick Scott dancing in her head. She graciously allowed me to reprint her take on what an interview with Governor Scott on the topic of climate change would look like.

Readers who are like me will need a box of kleenex close by to wipe the inevitable tears of laughter, as well as the ones of outrage. 

Cheers,

Mahlia

An Interview With Rick Scott

By Life in the Boomer Lane

Although Life in the Boomer Lane might appear to be someone whose thoughts run no deeper than whatever will cause readers to spew coffee, she is, in fact, fairly appalled at the state of the planet. She is especially appalled by some of our elected officials and by those who wield enormous power, with little concern for the environmental wreckage they leave in their wake. Rick Scott’s recent decision to eliminate the phrases “climate change” and “global warming” from state documents caught her attention. After a period of teeth-gnashing, she decided to “interview” the Governor in order to get to the bottom of what could have been behind his misguided decision. 

LBL: It’s been quoted in numerous sources that officials at the Florida Department of Environmental Protection have been barred from using the phrases “climate change” and “global warming” in any official communications, emails, or reports. Is this true, Governor Scott?

GS: I have made it clear that I will not discuss anything that is not a true fact. And I will not allow state employees to do so, either. I’ve said over and over that I’m not a scientist. I have no opinions about this.

LBL: So, in other words, you don’t think climate change actually exists?

GS: Here in the Great State of Florida, we don’t believe in climate change. People move here from Minnesota because it’s warm. It’s what makes this state great. And it has stayed warm, in spite of all the hysterical environmentalists. We don’t hide from the sun, here. I haven’t heard of anyone moving from here to Minnesota. Case closed. (chuckles softly to himself)

LBL: But global warming doesn’t mean that everything is getting warmer. It means that all weather patterns are getting more dramatic. Our ecosystem is being disrupted.  We will all suffer the consequences.

GS: Again, I’m not a scientist.  But I do invite those with adequate means to come to the Great State of Florida and play on our beaches, meet The Mouse, and watch dolphins try to survive in captivity.  We are here, living in Paradise, in spite of the doom and gloom that is being spouted about in other places.

LBL: But Florida is a state bordered on two huge bodies of water. Whether you personally believe in this or not, it’s been documented that sea levels are rising. Both the Atlantic coast and the gulf coasts are at risk. Are you concerned about this?

RS: I’m not an oceanographer, but I do know that here in the Great State of Florida, the last I checked, the beaches felt sandy and the water felt wet.  I’m not sure you can do better than that.

LBL: Are you aware that for the first time in history, California has instituted mandatory residential water restriction, in order to deal with the record-breaking drought. While lack of rain may not have been set off by climate change, scientists say that global warming is making the situation worse.

GS: I’m glad you brought this up, LBL.  I’m not a geographer, but I do know that California is really far away. I don’t believe anything I don’t see with my own eyes, and I sure don’t believe anything that takes place outside of Florida.

LBL: Are you aware that over 10,000 baby sea lions have washed up dead on a California island, with experts calling the unexplained deaths a “crisis” and “[Pups] are washing ashore at a rate so alarming, rescuers said Thursday, this year is the worst yet”.  It’s being blamed on rising sea temps.

GS: Ha, once again, California. I refuse to address myself to anything not in my home state. Most of my constituents don’t even know where California is.

LBL: OK, let’s talk Florida. Numerous high-rises are continuing to be built along the coast, with little consideration for the rising seas projected to frequently flood South Florida in the coming decades and to submerge much of it by the end of the century.

RS: I’m not a prognosticator, so I refuse to address myself to anything that might or might not happen in the future. And I’m not a longevity expert but I suspect that my constituents will all be dead by then.

LBL: With all due respect Governor,  have you read the latest issue of National Geographic? I’ll read from it directly: “Along with rising seas, Florida will be battered in the coming decades by extreme weather—dry-season drought and rainy-season deluges—the U.S. government’s National Climate Assessment predicts. Heat and drought threaten an agricultural industry that supplies the East Coast with winter vegetables, and they could undermine the three mainstays of Florida farming—tomatoes, sugarcane, and citrus. The rainy season will be stormier, with fiercer hurricanes and higher storm surges.”  A lot of this will be happening in the next 10 or 20 years. Won’t many of your constituents still be alive?

RS: Hey, this is the Great State of Florida. The median age is 102. I’m not a mathematician, but I  don’t think so. Anyway, it’s typical liberal schmutz. I’ve never trusted National Geographic.  They always have a least one photo of titties.

LBL:  You win.  Let’s talk Florida. Every day, tons of toxic waste is being dumped into St. Johns River, by the Koch Brothers company, Georgia-Pacific.  The Brothers put millions into your SuperPac. The St Johns is the longest river in Florida and the greatest recreational body of water in the state. You are the current chairperson of Florida’s Trustees of the Internal Improvement Trust Fund, and yet you refuse to investigate.

RS: I’m glad you brought up The Koch Brothers.  I’m not a citizenship expert, but I believe the Koch Brothers are outstanding citizens.  They always carry proper identification with them and have never falsified voting documents.  They stand for everything that is good and decent in America. If we follow them, the only things the government will have to pay for will be the prison system and national defense.  The rest is extraneous. I’m behind the guy who has 80 billion in his pocket, over the guy who has some schlub job and lives from paycheck to paycheck.

LBL: So, in other words, we have absolutely nothing to worry about.

RS: Only if you live in the Great State of Florida.